— Laurie Helgoe (via onlinecounsellingcollege)
I’m taking it day by day. My mom took me to old navy to get a pair of shorts (I tried my old ones on but I apparently lost more weight than I thought since last summer [from a 32 to a 29]).
After that, I went to the church to clean up and set up for Wednesday. The receptionist at the church asked me how I was doing and I said I was hanging in there.
After I got everything set up, Zac, Christianne, and I went to visit Heather’s family. Heather was incredibly strong. George didn’t say much but we hugged each other tight. Sue was sad and she broke down for a bit. She asked me to get a tie that belonged to Jordan. I told her I would. I also met Jordan’s dad and step mom. They are genuinely great people. The families are obviously hurting, but they are definitely in a healing process.
After that we had a meeting for the leaders of Under1. Lynn gave us some grief counseling 101 and that helped a lot. We talked about how we were going to plan out Wednesday’s service.
After that, Zac and I went to the parsonage to get the tie that Sue asked for. We brought it over to the the family.
After that, I hung out with some awesome people from my church and we just laughed and had a great time.
The whole situation still seems unreal. Tomorrow I’ll call work and let them know that I won’t be able to come on Saturday.
Overall today was a good day. I feel like progress is being made but I’m still praying for Heather and Jordan’s families.
Today I went to work.
I didn’t tell anyone what happened and I don’t think anyone knew yet. I kept it all to myself. Every customer I had was extremely nice to me today so that was good. I tried to be happy and laugh with people and joke around but I’m just not strong enough.
Lifegroup tonight was powerful. Kara talked about the purpose of suffering and death and Austin lead us in a group discussion. I spoke first…I blubbered like a baby as I regrettably admitted that there were unresolved issues between Jordan and I. They were all small things, but they become giants I don’t know how to face now that he’s gone for good. Jordan and I may have fought like brothers, but that’s because we were like brothers.
I’ve never lost somebody so close to me and I don’t know how I’m going to handle it.
I always consider myself an emotional juggernaut. I just let things roll off me like water off a duck’s back. I put a smile on and crack jokes. Usually I internalize everything and rationalize it. While I figure things out on my own, I put up a front for everyone. I act strong so others can count on me to brighten their day.
But this time it’s different. I’m the one who’s leaning on others. I’m the one crying my eyes out on people’s shoulders. I’m the one who can’t do this on my own.
I’ve realized how much I need my church family. Austin has been a great encouragement. Zac has offered me a place to stay since I can’t sleep in my apartment for a while (the place makes me sad, but the worst part is that I’m there alone). David has hugged me more than I can repay. Kara has offered great wisdom.
I think God allows situations I can’t handle to show me I can’t do this on my own.
I’m at my parent’s house tonight. I need something familiar and safe. I probably won’t sleep tonight and that’s okay.